Go Back   Polykarbon Art Forum > GALLERY > Writer's Forum
Register FAQ Members List Arcade IRC Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-27-2006, 01:56 PM   #1
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default Bob does Manga *RSOM* (Question!!)

Well, this seemed to be the board to put this, so hello to all you denizens of the writer's forum. I think this may be my first post to this board. I aplogize in advance for what will be a rather large post, but this IS the writer's forum.

Anyway, I decided just yesterday to have a crack at tokyopop's Rising Stars of Manga contest with a very different sort of entry. Bob style.

I have several story ideas that have been worked in my head for some time now (who doesn't?), one of which is pretty much a textbook action manga premise. I will not be going with that story; it's too easy to bring a manga tale to a manga contest, not to mention how crowded the action category is sure to be.

I don't have any illusions of winning, but I intend to be noticed, and I think what I have come up with can give me the opportunity. I decided to develop an idea I birthed just last week, which means that I had to put the story thru a rapid accelerator to develop it in the shortest amount of time possible. At this point I have my characters pretty much solidified. By the start of next week I want to be done with character development and begin plotting the story. A lot of you really seem to know what you are talking about, so please lay it on me. I will greatly appreciate and definately consider anything you have to say.

I went with a sci-fi "space opera" story, as I have been dying to work in the genre, and this seemed like a good chance to make it happen. I wanted my story's emphasis to be on the characters and not the plot, in fact I aim to go for a very minimal amount of action. If you have seen any of my art you would know that I have a style with enough flair (I hope) to carry a story with no action and still be visually appealing and interesting.

I also decided to do something quite different in that this is to be considered a "pilot" episode to a larger series. If you have ever seen the pilot for the ill-fated Jack Black/Owen Wilson/Ben Stiller show "The Adventures of Heat Vision and Jack" (I HIGHLY recommend DLing it and watching), then you probably remember that the pilot episode was actually from much later in the series, with a condensed flashback worked in to tell the origin story. I am stealing this approach, I do not wish to waste all 20 pages on an origin story, plus it will be cool to be able to work with future and past versions of the characters. I think I am leaning towards a story that will have both bits of the origin story in flashback as well as current events advancing the plot. Sins of the past and all of that.

Anyway, lets delve into the world of Mutiny: 2307.


Here are the character portraits for those interested:
Spoiler:








***Taken from my sketchbook thread, slightly edited***

First, the setting. The crew of the Star-Ark Aran were charged with patrolling the outer borders of charted space. They've been deployed for too long, food rations are frequently being reduced, and they are out of toilet paper...seriously. After an encounter with a mysterious drifter the ship breaks out into mutiny. The cargo bay is now a mass grave, only the former first-officer and Cyrus survive the carnage. The remaining crew missed the struggle for their own reasons, and now form a shaky alliance aboard a ghost ship. For their part in mutiny, each is damned to exile or death, should they encounter another military vessel. They cannot hope to escape to enemy space, in their ship they would be killed on sight; their only hope is to venture deep into uncharted territory, and take their chances amid total chaos and untold wonders, yada, yada...you get the point.

Cyrus wasn't a crewman on the ship prior to the mutiny, but his appearance aboard the ship was the catylist to the bloody coup. He is a halfbreed (half human, half...well you probably don't even want to know) mercenary with startling combat prowess. The rumors among the small crew are that Cyrus is himself responsible for most of the bloodshed during the mutiny, but no one currently aboard the ship actually witnessed the final struggle. No one but Cyrus and the new "captain" (who has yet to be designed...sorry bout that). Cyrus will have facial tattoos once I work them out...I discovered that I really suck at designing tattoos while sketching him.

Naomi is a Cerasian girl who worked as a barmaid before the mutiny. These days the shorthanded crew needs her species biological healing abilities more than her charisma and drink mixing skills...well the charisma might come in handy (the drinks as well ). Being non-military, she was not involved in the final battle for the ship.

Tabitha is the pilot of the ship. She is a mutant capable of some limited psychic abilities that make her a very efficient combat pilot. She is calm and cool in battle, and can even calm the minds of her allies as well as implant fear in the minds of foes. Tabitha was of course, piloting the ship during the violence.

Gideon is something of a "fallen knight" character. He was mysteriously injured during the mutiny and his body is wasting away, but he is determined to fight it to the end. I will be re-designing the bandaging...I think I will use some kind of medical-looking mask in combonation with the bangages, as I royally screwed them up around his face. Gideon was struck down at the onset of the mutiny, and was brought to the medical bay.

Mary is the new captain of the ship, having siezed it from Jared, the original captain. The truth about what really happened to Jared and the rest of the hundreds of crewmen aboard is known only to Mary and Cyrus. Mary is haunted by the ghost of Jared, her new imaginary friend.

"Benjamin" is what the crew calls this Cerasian Warlord detained aboard the Star-Ark Aran. This guy is massive. He would be a valuable ally in battle, if he could be trusted.

Dog is a small animal found by the crew in the uncharted territories. Nothing is known about him or his species. He will most likely be worked and re-worked. The idea was to have this ugly creature playing the role of the super cute and cuddly pet. Like an ugly pokemon.

***End of sketchbook rip***

Now some background on the Human/Cerasian conflict that acts as the backdrop. Cerasians aren't closely related genetically to humans, and aren't capable of producing hybrid offspring, but they are sexually compatible. Cerasian females are able to stimulate pleasure sensors as a side function of their bilogical healing abilities. It is this reason why Cerasian females are commonly tolerated among human populations. (I love the idea that we would allow a portion of the "enemy" to walk among us if the sex was good...got to love humanity) The start of the Human/Cerasian conflict is often attributed to the decline in Cerasian population increase since female Cerasians tend to favor human mates. If something isn't done to curb this trend, the Cerasians are facing a rather uncertain future.

The Cerasians are new to space travel, having previously lived in isolation on their home planet. They have always been a fractured, tribal people, a way of life that is quickly changing after coming into contact with human explorers over a hundred years prior to the story. The younger generations are also becoming quite proficient with technology. Now that war has broken out, humanities largest threat may be the unification of the Cerasian clans against a common enemy. (I like how in this case I've made the humans the space invaders over a primitive species instead of the other way around as is the cliche)

Human society has become very theocratic following a hundred years of international religious war. During this time first contact is made with alien life, and the world is forever changed. A united, theocratic government forms to represent Earth, and declares a "New Crusade Across the Heavens". Missionaries are sent out to convert other worlds and build a Holy Empire. The Aran is a Malachi-Class Star-Ark, basically a warship in the Holy Empire's fleet charged with "spreading the faith and the light of civilization". (I intended in this "history" to try to exaggerate some sort of possible future that we could find ourselves in as a society...what do you think?)

That is the societal backdrop of the story, the world these characters live in. A lot of this will be brought up or hinted to in the story, but some of this is just to sketch out the setting. All of it will reflect who the characters are as people.

Last edited by b1zz0b : 10-31-2006 at 06:06 PM.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-2006, 01:56 PM   #2
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

***Sorry for the second post, but it cut me off.***

I haven't decided on a central plot yet, but I have some ideas for the characters that I have further developed since my sketchbook posting. One of these I am really liking is Gideon spending some time in the brig talking with "Benjamin", who seems to respect Gideon's perserverance. Another favorite is Mary's halucinations involving Jared, that should be nothing but fun. I also decided that I need another character, a male human. I decided to make him a boy to give him a reason for not being dead, it is also an interesting twist to my current cast of characters. I'll call him Adam, he is now an orphan, let's say 14/15 years old. Being a pubescent boy of his generation, he is extreamely awkward around Naomi.

The story will be largely Seinfeldian in approach, a "story about nothing". What would it be like to watch a reality TV show shot in the setting I have described? (this story WILL NOT be sensationalist garbage like most reality TV today, especially MTV...well maybe just a little bit ) In keeping with the concept of an episode within a series, there will be unresolved plot points and lots of mystery left to the characters. I plan to try to use this to allow for a healthy amount of reader interpretation, because I know that I love that sort of thing. There will be something of a central plot, and conflict resolution to tie this all together.

Ok, this is an absolutely MASSIVE post, sorry. Thoughts/comments would be appreciated as I don't have too much time left to hammer this whole thing out.

I'll continue to jam the written side of this project in this thread.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-28-2006, 06:25 PM   #3
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

Ok, so I have had a scene in my head ever since I started work on this project. I started to write it down with the original intent of starting off with it, but now that it is finished I think it would make for a powerful ending. I will have to thumbnail these panels out to see how many pages they consume before I start writing much more. Some of this may have to be changed in the end to fit constraints, and I am also open to crit.


*** (( )) - Panel descriptions. ***


((Shot of Naomi shouting toward viewer. Cyrus is in back, looking torwards an airlock to the rear of the scene.))

Naomi- "Captain! They are attempting to board us!"

((Close shot of Cyrus, claws extended and bearing fangs.))

Cyrus- "Then let them try!"

((Scene cuts away to the bridge of the ship. Tabitha is at the helm, working controls, Mary is leaning on the dash, issuing commands.))

Mary- "Relax Cyrus, do not attack unless provoked. Tabitha! Get them on the comm, now!"

Tabitha- "Working on it...done."

((Shot of Mary from behind, Communications screen in front with an mean, ugly looking alien.))

Mary- "You are addressing Mary of Zalmon, Captain of the Star-Ark Aran."

((Close up on Mary's eyes.))

Mary- "Stand down, there's no need to get ugly."

((Shot of Alien speaking.))

Alien- "You may drop this ridiculous ruse immediately. A Captain of the Holy Empire bears three marks upon their brow."

((Insert panel of close up on Mary's brow.))

Alien- "Upon yours there are but two."

((Large shot of smirking alien on screen, Mary in the foreground scowling.))

Alien- "What's the matter? Didn't expect much of us "savages", did you? Let's see now, no proper Captain, drfiting about aimlessly in uncharted territory...sounds to me like we have ourselves a couple of mutineers. You and your ship could be...of value to us, I suggest you surrender."

((Shot of Mary, laughing hysterically.))


Mary- "You must be joking."

((Larger shot of both ships in the process of docking.))

Mary- "If you know even half of what you claim to then you will recognize this as a Malachi Class Star-Ark, a model 2307...fresh off the line. State-of-the-art automated defense systems aside, we are a crew of 300 personnel. Now I will ask you one last time: Stand. Down."

((Three tense shots of a stare-down, mostly eye shots. First the alien, then Mary, then the alien again as he breaks.))

((Shot of Tabitha at the controls.))

Tabitha- "Captain, they're leaving."

Mary- "Good, now take us out of here."

((Long shot of Mary walking briskly towards the exit.))


Mary- "Push on deeper into the territories, those freaks will probably attempt to barter with our coordinates so keep your bearings sporadic. You have command, I'll be in my quarters."

((Shot of Mary resting against a wall, eyes closed.))

Mary- "Phew."

((Close shot of Mary tensing, eyes snapping open.))

Jared- "Tell me about it, I thought we were toast."

((Shot of Jared and Mary facing each other, Mary still against the wall.))

Mary- "Not now, Jared. I'm not in the mood."

Jared- "Like I care? You killed me."

Mary- "Get out."

((Shot of Mary screaming.))

Mary- "Get out! Get out of my head!!"

((Shot of Mary and Jared side by side leaning against the wall. Mary is hunched over, head down. Jared is relaxed, looking at her.))

((Same exact panel, this time with dialog.))

Jared- "Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just a manifestation of your guilt, remember?"

((Outside shot of the ship alone in space.))

Mary- "How could I forget?" (muttered)


***end scene***



Let me know what you think.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2006, 01:56 AM   #4
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

Ok, I got another scene done up. I absolutely love this one, but who cares what I think, right? Comments and criticism would be appreciated, at least let me know what you liked, or even which of the two you like best.


*** (( )) - Panel descriptions. ***

((Exterior shot of ship's side, there are pounding sound effects.))

((Shot of "Benjamin" beating the walls of his cell. He is quite pissed.))

Benjamin- "I have been detained for too long! These walls will fall in time, and when they do I shall enjoy disembowling every last one of you!"

((Shot of Gideon, entering the room holding a tray of food. Ben is still visible.))

Gideon- "Greetings, 'Benjamin.'"

Benjamin- "I see that you are not yet dead."

Gideon- "Does that displease you?"

((Close shot of "Benjamin", beginning to eat.))

Benjamin- "Not nearly as much as this...kibble."

((Shot of Gideon laughing))

((Shot of Gideon coughing))

((Shot of Gideon clutching his side, "Benjamin" has stopped eating and is looking at Gideon.))

Benjamin- "Your affliction worsens...how long?"

Gideon- "No...idea, but...I am not yet dead."

((Long shot of Gideon, now composed, and "Benjamin", who has resumed eating.))

Gideon- "You know, if I didn't know better, I might think you sounded concerned."

Benjamin- "Think nothing of it. To have one's body waste away...to be denied the honor of a glorious death in combat is a fate I would not wish upon my enemy. My people value war over all else. War is the manner in which we ensure that the strong will survive; that we as a people, will survive. It is the way we have always lived."

Gideon- "Naomi told me..."

((Close shot of "Benjamin", rage creeping back in.))

Benjamin- "Naomi is a female deserter, a disgrace to our kind, our way of life. I will never understand why so many females of the younger generation would favor your weak, pathetic species."

((Long shot of both. Ben is sullen.))

Gideon- "Some of us *cough* aren't that bad."

Benjamin- "pfft."

((Another shot, similar. Ben is in better spirits.))

Benjamin- "'It is a pity that we did not meet under different circumstances."

Gideon- "In war, perhaps? Would you send me to my *cough* 'glorious death?'"

Benjamin- "Your kind does not glorify war in the least?"

((Shot of Gideon, blank stare.))

Gideon- "We like to think that we're above it."

((Shot from outside ship, Gideon staring out porthole into space, Ben is slightly visible in the rear.))

Gideon- "The lies we would tell...even to ourselves right, Ben?"

Benjamin- "Hmph! I will never understand your pathetic species! The galaxy will be better off when you're all dead."

*** end scene ***

This one ends in much the same way as the other one did, with an exterior shot of the ship. I liked the idea of having the separate plots ending in this fashion, then having the next scene start in a reverse manner as a way of jazzing up the scene changes. You can just imagine how it would look on film...now that's manga. I will also be able to effectively economize my pages, as I don't have to worry about starting each scene on a fresh page. Just look at BattleChasers to see how not adhereing to this rule without a "flow control device(or something)" can completely ruin the flow of a story. (Joe...why, Joe?)

I really need to start thumbnailing these to see what I have left to work with...there's so much left to do! I figure there are at least 4 different inter-character relationships I would like to hit on, if I can keep them at 4 pages each, thats 16 pages. I can then throw on the other scene I did to tie them all together, I should be able to do that in 4 pages...5 maybe? This will work.

PS. You will never learn what it was that Naomi said, so don't bother asking.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2006, 09:30 PM   #5
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

Ok, here is the full script in rough draft form. It ends up being 16 pages after the breakdown, I've denoted the page breaks so you can try to get a more complete visual.



*** (( )) - Panel descriptions. ***

((Shot of Naomi attempting to heal Gideon, she is laying her hands on him. Dog is nearby.))

Naomi- "I'm sorry, Gideon but this isn't working. Whatever it is at the root of your affliction, it is beyond my abilities."

Gideon- "I feared as much."

Naomi- "If only I'd honed by abilities instead of leaving my homeworld...and for what, to become a cocktail waitress?"

((Shot of Gideon.))

Gideon- "If you hadn't, you would not be here. After the mutiny...I...we have all come to rely on you."

((Shot of Cyrus walking briskly. Smaller insert panel of him kicking Dog.))

((Shot of Naomi and Gideon, angry.))

Naomi- "Hey!"

Gideon- "Apologize immediately, half-breed!"

***End page 1***

((Cyrus in Gideon's face, side-on panel.))

Cyrus- "Just what was that? Perhaps it is my filthy, moronic, half-bred brain playing tricks on me, but I swore that just now I heard a bloody corpse talking. I would suggest that the walking dead bugger off before I decide to send it back to hell."

Gideon- "Apologize. Or I will kill you.

Cyrus- "I don't think so."

((Shot of Cyrus, relaxed.))

Cyrus- Look, we can discuss this later on, I have an urgent meeting scheduled with your Captain and I would rather not keep her waiting...when she is left alone she can become quite...((Insert Panel of sinster grin.))...mad."

((Shot of Cyrus leaving, Gideon and Naomi watching.))

Naomi- "Why has Mary been spending so much time with that creep?"

Gideon- "I don't know...but I don't like it one bit. We should have gotten rid of that freak a long time ago. He's definately up to something, I've been watching him.

Naomi- "And?"

Gideon- "So far he's been able to keep his nose clean."

***End page 2***

((Closer shot of Naomi and Gideon.))

Naomi- "You really think he had anything to do with the mutiny?"

Gideon- "Of course he did! I was there, remember?"

Naomi- "You blacked out, Gideon..."

Gideon- "I know what I saw, dammit. That guy killed everyone, he's a freaking psychopath!"

Naomi- "When I first tried to heal your wounds, you were ranting about all other kinds of nonsense. He's just one...man, whatever...and he doesn't even use weapons. You actually expect people to believe that he slaughtered almost 300 military personnel? It's just not possible."

((Shot of their feet.))

Gideon- "I know what I saw.(muttered)

((Shot of the ship in section, the camera is moving through the floor to the next scene.))

***end scene***

((Shot of Mary head with some extra empty space above.))

Tabitha(on radio)- "Captain, there is another ship entering our sensor's range. They appear to be checking us out."

***End page 3***

((Shot of Tabitha at the helm.))

Mary- "Resume with current course and velocity, continue to moniter and update me on the movements of that ship."

Tabitha- "You got it."

((Enter Jared.))

Jared- "Oooh! This is the voice of death! You're all going to die!"

Mary- "Shut up, Jared.You don't even exist."

((Bust shot of Mary, a little Jared sits on her shoulder, angel/devil style.))

Jared- "I exist to you, that's got to count for something. You know, I'm worried about you. You're all wound up tight, blood pressure is through the roof..."

Mary- "Shut up!"

((Shot of Jared, making something of a stoner/hippie face.))

Jared- "Once you killed me I realized that I was taking existance much too seriously, man. Just look at me, man...stone dead and not a care in the world. Just ride atop the great wave, man..."

((Shot of Cyrus entering, Mary is alone.))

Mary- "Get ou-"

Cyrus- "You called?"

Mary- "Cyrus. Yes, yes I did."

***End page 4***

((Shot of both talking.))

Mary- "There is a ship moving in on us, we have reason to believe this may result in a fight."

Cyrus- "How many aboard?"

Mary- "Scans indicate as many as 200...maybe more based on the size of the vessel."

((Mary, solemn look.))

Mary- "I guess I am worried about what might happen if we are forced into conflict...I would hate for you-know-what to happen again..."

((Cyrus.))

Agreed. However, if our hand is forced against a crew of that size...

((Mary))

Mary- "I pray that it does not come to that, but it appears as though that is out of our hands. That will be all, Cyrus."

((Mary staring out porthole into space.))

((Held panel, now with Jared.))

Jared- "You aren't seriously considering using Gideon as..."

Mary- "Go away, Jared."

((Shot of Space, small ship))

Jared- "Screw you."


***end scene***

***End page 5***

((Shot of "Benjamin" beating the walls of his cell. He is quite pissed.))

Benjamin- "I have been detained for too long! These walls will fall in time, and when they do I shall enjoy disembowling every last one of you!"

((Shot of Gideon, entering the room holding a tray of food. Ben is still visible.))

Gideon- "Greetings, 'Benjamin.'"

Benjamin- "I see that you are not yet dead."

Gideon- "Does that displease you?"

((Close shot of "Benjamin", beginning to eat.))

Benjamin- "Not nearly as much as this...kibble."


***End page 6***

((Shot of Gideon laughing))

((Shot of Gideon coughing))

((Shot of Gideon clutching his side, "Benjamin" has stopped eating and is looking at Gideon.))

Benjamin- "Your affliction worsens...how long?"

Gideon- "No...idea, but...I am not yet dead."

***End page 7***

((Long shot of Gideon, now composed, and "Benjamin", who has resumed eating.))

Gideon- "You know, if I didn't know better, I might think you sounded concerned."

Benjamin- "Think nothing of it. To have one's body waste away...to be denied the honor of a glorious death in combat is a fate I would not wish upon my enemy. My people value war over all else. War is the manner in which we ensure that the strong will survive; that we as a people, will survive. It is the way we have always lived"

Gideon- "Naomi told me..."

((Close shot of "Benjamin", rage creeping back in.))

Benjamin- "Naomi is a female deserter, a disgrace to our kind, our way of life. I will never understand why so many females of the younger generation would favor your weak, pathetic species."

((Long shot of both. Ben is sullen.))

Gideon- "Some of us *cough* aren't that bad."

Benjamin- "pfft."

***End page 8***

((Another shot, similar. Ben is in better spirits.))

Benjamin- "It is a pity that we did not meet under different circumstances."

Gideon- "In war, perhaps? Would you send me to my *cough* 'glorious death?'"

Benjamin- "Your kind does not glorify war in the least?"

((Shot of Gideon, blank stare.))

Gideon- "We like to think that we're above it."

((Shot from outside ship, Gideon staring out porthole into space, Ben is slightly visible in the rear.))

Gideon- "The lies we would tell even to ourselves...right, Ben?"

Benjamin- "Hmph! I will never understand your pathetic species, the galaxy will be better off when you are extinct!"

*** end scene ***

***End page 9***

Last edited by b1zz0b : 10-30-2006 at 12:15 AM.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2006, 09:38 PM   #6
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

***continued***

((Shot of Tabitha.))

Tabitha- "Captain, the ship has accelerated and is closing in fast!"

Mary(over radio)- "I'll be right there."

((Mary walks past brig, Gideon is sitting, Ben is in cell...duh.))

Gideon- "What's happening?"

Mary- "Stay right where you are and await my order."

Benjamin- "This is foolish! Let me out and I will fight, you are no good to me dead!"

Mary- "No."

((Shot of Ben, full of rage, banging sound effects.))

Benjamin- "Then I will tear this cell asunder!! I would fight for my own survival!"

Gideon- "Sigh. I just calmed him down!"

***End page 10***

((Shot of Naomi shouting toward viewer. Cyrus is in back, looking torwards an airlock to the rear of the scene.))

Naomi- "Captain! They are attempting to board us!"

((Close shot of Cyrus, claws extended and bearing fangs.))

Cyrus- "Then let them try!"

((Scene cuts away to the bridge of the ship. Tabitha is at the helm, working controls, Mary is leaning on the dash, issuing commands.))

Mary- "Relax Cyrus, do not attack unless provoked. Tabitha! Get them on the comm, now!"

Tabitha- "Working on it...done."

***End page 11***

((Shot of Mary from behind, Communications screen in front with an mean, ugly looking alien.))

Mary- "You are addressing Mary of Zalmon, Captain of the Star-Ark Aran."

((Close up on Mary's eyes.))

Mary- "Stand down, there's no need to get ugly."

***End page 12***

((Shot of Alien speaking.))

Alien- "You may drop this ridiculous ruse immediately. A Captain of the Holy Empire bears three marks upon their brow."

((Insert panel of close up on Mary's brow.))

Alien- "Upon yours there are but two."

((Large shot of smirking alien on screen, Mary in the foreground scowling.))

Alien- "What's the matter? Didn't expect much of us "savages", did you? Let's see now, no proper Captain, drfiting about aimlessly in uncharted territory...sounds to me like we have ourselves a couple of mutineers. You and your ship could be...of value to us, I suggest you surrender."

((Shot of Mary, laughing hysterically.))

Mary- "You must be joking."

***End page 13***

((Larger shot of both ships in the process of docking.))

Mary- "If you know even half of what you claim to then you will recognize this as a Malachi Class Star-Ark, a model 2307...fresh off the line. State-of-the-art automated defense systems aside, we are a crew of 300 personnel. Now I will ask you one last time: Stand. Down."

((Three tense shots of a stare-down, mostly eye shots. First the alien, then Mary, then the alien again as he breaks.))

((Shot of Tabitha at the controls.))

Tabitha- "Captain, they're leaving."

Mary- "Good, now take us out of here."

***End page 14***

((Long shot of Mary walking briskly towards the exit.))

Mary- "Push on deeper into the territories, those freaks will probably attempt to barter with our coordinates so keep your bearings sporadic. You have command, I'll be in my quarters."

((Shot of Mary resting against a wall, eyes closed.))

Mary- "Phew."

((Close shot of Mary tensing, eyes snapping open.))

Jared- "Tell me about it, I thought we were toast."

***End page 15***

((Shot of Jared and Mary facing each other, Mary still against the wall.))

Mary- "Not now, Jared. I'm not in the mood."

Jared- "Like I care? You killed me."

Mary- "Get out."

((Shot of Mary screaming.))

Mary- "Get out of my head!!"

((Shot of Mary and Jared side by side leaning against the wall. Mary is hunched over, head down. Jared is relaxed, looking at her.))

((Same exact panel, this time with dialog.))

Jared- "Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just a manifestation of your guilt, remember?"

((Outside shot of the ship alone in space.))

Mary- "How could I forget?" (muttered)

***end page 16***

The end.

If you notice, the kid Adam I had mentioned got the axe. Unfortunately I then lost my plan for Naomi's scene, and she fell a bit flat in the substitution. Opinions on this? Should I give Adam a chance?

There is a lot I want to re-work. If you ask me, the most successful characters are Ben and Gideon. I need to work on the other's personalities. I'd also like some opinions on Mary. I like her(and Jared), but I would like to hear some outsider opinion on her character.

I like Cyrus, but he isn't quite there yet, and Naomi is sort of dead. Tabitha seems a bit cold, but she is exactly as I intended. So I'm thinking I need to work on Cyrus and Naomi, with some minor tweaks to Mary and Jared's scenes...any ideas? Anyone?

This thing is picking up momentum.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-30-2006, 05:04 PM   #7
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

Ok, now that I have been able to step away from this and read it fresh, I am quite disappointed with several aspects of this script.

The first scene is garbage, I am removing it and replacing it with a new one with Naomi and Tabitha. Tabitha really didn't get much to work with in the above script, where as Gideon sort of emerged as the "star" of the show. (Earth to Gideon, this is an ensemble piece, quit hamming it up.) I think it would suffice if Naomi merely mentions Gideon's worsening condition to Tabitha, we learn that it is fatal in the scene with Ben anyway and it just becomes redundant. She can also mention her healing abilities somehow in this conversation.

I also want to rework the Mary/Cyrus scene, it isn't as sinister in tone as I would like it to be. I also want it to be a little more mysterious...I'll have to see what I can come up with.

So I guess I am just re-writing all the more recent stuff I did...looks like I had an "off" day. I will be thumbnailing soon, and those will go in the WIP thread.

Comments?


...didn't think so...
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-30-2006, 11:50 PM   #8
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

Final Script? Pt 1.



*** (( )) - Panel descriptions. ***

((Shot of Naomi attempting to heal Gideon, she is laying her hands on him. Dog is nearby.))

Naomi- "I'm sorry, Gideon but this isn't working. Whatever it is at the root of your affliction, it is beyond my abilities."

Gideon- "I feared as much."

Naomi- "If only I'd honed by abilities instead of leaving my homeworld...and for what, to become a cocktail waitress?"

((Shot of Gideon.))

Gideon- "If you hadn't, you would not be here. After the mutiny...I...we have all come to rely on you."

((Shot of Cyrus walking briskly. Smaller insert panel of him kicking Dog.))

((Shot of Naomi and Gideon, angry.))

Naomi- "Hey!"

Gideon- "Apologize immediately, half-breed!"

((Cyrus in Gideon's face, side-on panel.))

Cyrus- "Just what was that? Perhaps it is my filthy, moronic, half-bred brain playing tricks on me, but I swore that just now I heard a bloody corpse talking. I would suggest that the walking dead bugger off before I decide to send it back to hell."

Gideon- "Apologize. Or I will kill you.

Cyrus- "I don't think so."

((Shot of Cyrus, relaxed.))

Cyrus- Look, we can discuss this later on, I have an urgent meeting scheduled with your Captain and I would rather not keep her waiting...when she is left alone she can become quite...((Insert Panel of sinster grin.))...mad."

((Shot of Cyrus leaving, Gideon and Naomi watching.))

Naomi- "Why has Mary been spending so much time with that creep?"

Gideon- "I don't know...but I don't like it one bit. We should have gotten rid of that freak a long time ago. He's definately up to something, I've been watching him.

Naomi- "And?"

Gideon- "So far he's been able to keep his nose clean."

((Closer shot of Naomi and Gideon.))

Naomi- "You really think he had anything to do with the mutiny?"

Gideon- "Of course he did! I was there, remember?"

Naomi- "You blacked out, Gideon..."

Gideon- "I know what I saw, dammit. That guy killed everyone, he's a freaking psychopath!"

Naomi- "When I first tried to heal your wounds, you were ranting about all other kinds of nonsense. He's just one...man, whatever...and he doesn't even use weapons. You actually expect people to believe that he slaughtered almost 300 military personnel? It's just not possible."

((Shot of their feet.))

Gideon- "I know what I saw.(muttered)

((Shot of the ship in section, the camera is moving through the floor to the next scene.))

***end scene***

((Shot of Mary head with some extra empty space above.))

Tabitha(on radio)- "Captain, there is another ship entering our sensor's range. They appear to be checking us out."

((Shot of Tabitha at the helm.))

Mary- "Resume with current course and velocity, continue to moniter and update me on the movements of that ship."

Tabitha- "You got it."

((Enter Jared.))

Jared- "Oooh! This is the voice of death! You're all going to die!"

Mary- "Shut up, Jared.You don't even exist."

((Bust shot of Mary, a little Jared sits on her shoulder, angel/devil style.))

Jared- "I exist to you, that's got to count for something. You know, I'm worried about you. You're all wound up tight, blood pressure is through the roof..."

Mary- "Shut up!"

((Shot of Jared, making something of a stoner/hippie face.))

Jared- "Once you killed me I realized that I was taking existance much too seriously, man. Just look at me, man...stone dead and not a care in the world. Just ride atop the great wave, man..."

((Shot of Cyrus entering, Mary is alone.))

Mary- "Get ou-"

Cyrus- "You called?"

Mary- "Cyrus. Yes, yes I did."

((Shot of both talking.))

Mary- "There is a ship moving in on us, we have reason to believe this may result in a fight."

Cyrus- "How many aboard?"

Mary- "Scans indicate as many as 200...maybe more based on the size of the vessel."

((Mary, solemn look.))

Mary- "I guess I am worried about what might happen if we are forced into conflict...I would hate for you-know-what to happen again..."

((Cyrus.))

Agreed. However, if our hand is forced against a crew of that size...

((Mary))

Mary- "I pray that it does not come to that, but it appears as though that is out of our hands. That will be all, Cyrus."

((Mary staring out porthole into space.))

((Held panel, now with Jared.))

Jared- "You aren't seriously considering using Gideon as some kind of weapon are you?"

Mary- "Go away, Jared."

((Shot of Space, small ship))

Jared- "Screw you."


***end scene***


((Shot of "Benjamin" beating the walls of his cell. He is quite pissed.))

Benjamin- "I have been detained for too long! These walls will fall in time, and when they do I shall enjoy disembowling every last one of you!"

((Shot of Gideon, entering the room holding a tray of food. Ben is still visible.))

Gideon- "Greetings, 'Benjamin.'"

Benjamin- "I see that you are not yet dead."

Gideon- "Does that displease you?"

((Close shot of "Benjamin", beginning to eat.))

Benjamin- "Not nearly as much as this...kibble."

((Shot of Gideon laughing))

((Shot of Gideon coughing))

((Shot of Gideon clutching his side, "Benjamin" has stopped eating and is looking at Gideon.))

Benjamin- "Your affliction worsens...how long?"

Gideon- "No...idea, but...I am not yet dead."

((Long shot of Gideon, now composed, and "Benjamin", who has resumed eating.))

Gideon- "You know, if I didn't know better, I might think you sounded concerned."

Benjamin- "Think nothing of it. To have one's body waste away...to be denied the honor of a glorious death in combat is a fate I would not wish upon my enemy. My people value war over all else. War is the manner in which we ensure that the strong will survive; that we as a people, will survive. It is the way we have always lived"

Gideon- "Naomi told me..."

((Close shot of "Benjamin", rage creeping back in.))

Benjamin- "Naomi is a female deserter, a disgrace to our kind, our way of life. I will never understand why so many females of the younger generation would favor your weak, pathetic species."

((Long shot of both. Ben is sullen.))

Gideon- "Some of us *cough* aren't that bad."

Benjamin- "pfft."

((Another shot, similar. Ben is in better spirits.))

Benjamin- "It is a pity that we did not meet under different circumstances."

Gideon- "In war, perhaps? Would you send me to my *cough* 'glorious death?'"

Benjamin- "Your kind does not glorify war in the least?"

((Shot of Gideon, blank stare.))

Gideon- "We like to think that we're above it."

((Shot from outside ship, Gideon staring out porthole into space, Ben is slightly visible in the rear.))

Gideon- "The lies we would tell even to ourselves...right, Ben?"

Benjamin- "Hmph! I will never understand your pathetic species, the galaxy will be better off when you are extinct!"

*** end scene ***
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2006, 12:02 AM   #9
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

***continued***

((Shot of Tabitha.))

Tabitha- "Captain, the ship has accelerated and is closing in fast!"

Mary(over radio)- "I'll be right there."

((Mary walks past brig, Gideon is sitting, Ben is in cell...duh.))

Gideon- "What's happening?"

Mary- "Stay right where you are and await my order."

Benjamin- "This is foolish! Let me out and I will fight, you are no good to me dead!"

Mary- "No."

((Shot of Ben, full of rage, banging sound effects.))

Benjamin- "Then I will tear this cell asunder!! I would fight for my own survival!"

((Shot of Naomi shouting toward viewer. Cyrus is in back, looking torwards an airlock to the rear of the scene.))

Naomi- "Captain! They are attempting to board us!"

((Close shot of Cyrus, claws extended and bearing fangs.))

Cyrus- "Then let them try!"

((Scene cuts away to the bridge of the ship. Tabitha is at the helm, working controls, Mary is leaning on the dash, issuing commands.))

Mary- "Relax Cyrus, do not attack unless provoked. Tabitha! Get them on the comm, now!"

Tabitha- "Working on it...done."

((Shot of Mary from behind, Communications screen in front with an mean, ugly looking alien.))

Mary- "You are addressing Mary of Zalmon, Captain of the Star-Ark Aran."

((Close up on Mary's eyes.))

Mary- "Stand down, there's no need to get ugly."

((Shot of Alien speaking.))

Alien- "You may drop this ridiculous ruse immediately. A Captain of the Holy Empire bears three marks upon their brow."

((Insert panel of close up on Mary's brow.))

Alien- "Upon yours there are but two."

((Large shot of smirking alien on screen, Mary in the foreground scowling.))

Alien- "What's the matter? Didn't expect much of us "savages", did you? Let's see now, no proper Captain, drfiting about aimlessly in uncharted territory...sounds to me like we have ourselves a couple of mutineers. You and your ship could be...of value to us, I suggest you surrender."

((Shot of Mary, laughing hysterically.))

Mary- "You must be joking."

((Larger shot of both ships in the process of docking.))

Mary- "If you know even half of what you claim to then you will recognize this as a Malachi Class Star-Ark, a model 2307...fresh off the line. State-of-the-art automated defense systems aside, we are a crew of 300 personnel. Now I will ask you one last time: Stand. Down."

((Three tense shots of a stare-down, mostly eye shots. First the alien, then Mary, then the alien again as he breaks.))

((Shot of Tabitha at the controls.))

Tabitha- "Captain, they're leaving."

Mary- "Good, now take us out of here."

((Long shot of Mary walking briskly towards the exit.))

Mary- "Push on deeper into the territories, those freaks will probably attempt to barter with our coordinates so keep your bearings sporadic. You have command, I'll be in my quarters."

((Shot of Mary resting against a wall, eyes closed.))

Mary- "Phew."

((Close shot of Mary tensing, eyes snapping open.))

Jared- "Tell me about it, I thought we were toast."

((Shot of Jared and Mary facing each other, Mary still against the wall.))

Mary- "Not now, Jared. I'm not in the mood."

Jared- "Like I care? You killed me."

Mary- "Get out."

((Shot of Mary screaming.))

Mary- "Get out of my head!!"

((Shot of Mary and Jared side by side leaning against the wall. Mary is hunched over, head down. Jared is relaxed, looking at her.))

((Same exact panel, this time with dialog.))

Jared- "Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just a manifestation of your guilt, remember?"

((Outside shot of the ship alone in space.))

Mary- "How could I forget?" (muttered)


***End***


I like the new/edited scenes a lot better. I also fixed the error where Mary had just learned of the other ship, then shortly afterward told Cyrus that they were approaching and looked hostile.

Tabitha is allowed to get some camera time, Naomi has some soul now...good stuff. I can now say that I feel for all of these characters now...except Cyrus, the man of mystery. Part of my goal was to create characters and situations that would leave the reader dying for more than a meager 16 pages...and then not give it to them. I also took great satisfaction from writing in the anticlimax of the final scene. (there's a term I am thinking of to describe it that is rather crude, so I will just say that it is an awful lot like when something gets excited and builds up without any release in the end...that is the condition I want to leave the reader in.)
Spoiler:
Here's another hint for you thick heads out there: they're blue.


This is likely it for this thread, and mine was the only voice. Come on people, give a shout out, last chance. Next time you see this it will be in the WIP art section.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2006, 06:05 PM   #10
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

Ok, I know that I am wasting my breath here, but on the off-chance that someone actually reads this far and comments, I am back.

After I broke down the pages for the new, final script I was looking at 15 pages. I would like to add another page to make an even 16, and I have two options.

I could use the page at the beginning as a "previously in Mutiny 2307..." sort of page, or I thought it could be fun to put a "next time, on Mutiny 2307...". Any thoughts? Is the script ok as it is, or would it be nice to have a quick synopsis before? At this point I am leaning towards doing the page at the end.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-01-2006, 02:02 PM   #11
HiddenTruth
unseen
 
HiddenTruth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 2,121
Send a message via Skype™ to HiddenTruth
Default

*Claps hands* Bravo, b1zz0b! It's very interesting, buy it'd be way easier to look at in actually Manga Fashion. *I hate reading, yet love writing, scripts.*

So, yeah, you have your first fan!

Anyway, I say put a page thing or summary for both of your ideas ('Next time' & last time.) But, if I had to choose between the two, I say the 'Next time' one. Teasers rock!
__________________
My NaNoWriMo 2013 Progress


HiddenTruth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-01-2006, 10:17 PM   #12
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

Thank you so much for commenting, lol. I was afraid this would pass the 100 view mark and fade into obscurity.

I'm sure my thumbnails will be much more popular, scripts aren't fun to read.

I think I will do a "next time" page. It's kind of cruel to hint at awesome stuff that will never come, and that kind of stuff is funny to me.

(edit)

I'm glad you thought it was interesting, I took a bit of a gamble by ending in that anticlimax and focusing on a series of unconnected conversations instead of the miniscule plot. I was worried that it would end up being boring.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2006, 05:38 AM   #13
HiddenTruth
unseen
 
HiddenTruth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 2,121
Send a message via Skype™ to HiddenTruth
Default

Yeah, poor *_*flashies*_* had that happen, then I commented on the thread.

Anyway, have you had any prior experience with movie scripts? They're a lot harder to do, as you have to do something like this:


Scene 001
<The camera is facing Reian. The reflection of dusk's light shines on the marble pillars on the balcony.The room behind him is dark, nearly invisible.>

Reian: {Sighs, and looks at camera} (Sadly) Things are falling apart here. If I don't leave soon, the entire galaxy could be in danger.

RX-701: { Walks to Reian from the room.} The shuttle pilot is waiting, sir.

{ Reian turns around and follows RX-701 back into the room}


End Scene


So, as you see, Manga scripting isn't too hard to do or read compared to movie scripts. (Once I read Star Wars Episode II's script all the way through.)

But, as I said, great work. I can't wait to see it in Manga form.

*Oh, and a quick reminder, Manga is read right to left and starts at the end of the book(let).*
__________________
My NaNoWriMo 2013 Progress


HiddenTruth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2006, 11:00 AM   #14
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

No, I've only written comic scripts, and not too many of those either. This is the most complete script I've done yet, I would have entered in a little more detail in the panel descriptions, but I wanted to keep a lot of that open for when I begin to draw them. Even if I were writing a comic script for someone else to draw, I'd like to think that I would leave some slack for the artist to tell the story as they see it (sort of like a director not being told exactly how to shoot the scene in a script, just what is essentially going on).

I will have to look again at the rules, but I think they want this to read "American style", but they may allow it to go the other way. This is for an english speaking, American audience.

I just saw that you have a sci-fi thread going, I'll check it out later.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2006, 01:57 PM   #15
HiddenTruth
unseen
 
HiddenTruth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 2,121
Send a message via Skype™ to HiddenTruth
Default

Oh, I almost forgot about the rules.

Still, in the library I go to there's several manga books where you read them like Japanese Manga.

Anyway, keep it up and never give this up unless you have to. I hope it may one day get published. Just be sure to send me a freebie. Nah, just kidding, I'd go and buy it.

As for the Sci-Fi thread, don't bother; it's a game some people (including myself) are doing. It's like Essence's RPG. But, I have a Notebook that you may want to check out. Just be warned: I don't beleive I'm that good of a writer.
__________________
My NaNoWriMo 2013 Progress


HiddenTruth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2006, 08:24 PM   #16
b1zz0b
Put your pants down.
 
b1zz0b's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 813
Send a message via AIM to b1zz0b
Default

Oh yeah, I don't have the time for that right now at all.

If this doesn't get published for the anthology, then it won't ever be, but I will put it online. I've come to love these characters so much that I wouldn't be surprised if I revisited this idea in the future.

Be sure to look out for this in the WIP board soon, I've finished one thumbnail, once I have at least 3 or so I'm going to start a WIP thread.
b1zz0b is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2006, 05:22 AM   #17
HiddenTruth
unseen
 
HiddenTruth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 2,121
Send a message via Skype™ to HiddenTruth
Default

*Crosses fingers* Let's hope it gets published then.
__________________
My NaNoWriMo 2013 Progress


HiddenTruth is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:15 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.